Herr Franz interviews Dr. Midnite

I agreed to let a friend of mine, Herr Franz, do a guest interview on my blog. I hope you enjoy it.


Gentle reader. My name is not important. This interview is. I met Dr. Midnite in his… house. You could call it that, yes, even though there are several basic structural elements missing.  Dr. Midnite was kind enough to take an hour out of his busy life and sit down. Face to face, so to speak. I have done many interviews in my life. This one was weird, yes, very much so. But it was also beautiful at the same time; like dying leafs on trees in the fall. I have been thinking about his words since that evening, thinking hard about my own life and what I could possibly have done differently. But I digress.

Herr Franz: Doctor Midnite, thank you for agreeing to this interview.

Dr. Midnite: Start off like you’re talking to me as a real person and not something as an object.  And let’s talk like two people having a real conversation here, don’t just start with this sort of faux politeness that so-called polite criminal petty society tell us that we are supposed to have. Introduce yourself. Start over. Let’s walk this back. Let’s start over. You ask first how I’m doing, and introduce yourself.

That’s not my dog by the way. Is that your dog? It’s an odd that a dog is here.

Herr Franz: That was my dog. He must have smelled something. Guess we got off on the wrong foot. How should I address you? You can call me Herr Franz.

Dr. Midnite: You have a dog here? What kind of three ring circus run by drunken apes do you think this is, my cultured friend? Look let’s start over, let’s sit on the ground like two equals around a campfire and you can call me Mister.

Franz? What kind of name is that? Portuguese? You don’t look Portuguese. I’m not prejudiced. Franz. You ever been in a knife fight in the desert with only the moon as your guide?

Herr Franz: It’s Bavarian. Franz is Bavarian. I might be a little drunk but that’s neither here nor there, Doctor Midnite. Sorry. Mister Midnite. Mister. That’s a definite no to the knife fight. I cut myself once while cutting bread at my grandmother’s apartment in ’74. I wouldn’t call that a ‘fight’ even though I lost for sure. But let me say this: I’ve been a huge fan of your work. Your blogs are enigmatic. Would you care to comment on how you got into that line of… work?

Dr. Midnite: Bavarian? My grandmother was Bavarian. 5th Women’s SS. She died during the war after she got shot robbing a Rettungswagen for morphine during an air raid. Well, then, comrade I guess we can keep up this with you still being a knife fight virgin which is a sad commentary on the times we live in. Did you know for example, that Walt Disney was involved in several knife fights during the premiere of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?” And that back then, it was the only way to settle issues of copyright infringement amongst the creative?

Anyway, we’re getting off on a tangent, which Franz, I have to admit, is your fault. My blogs are my way of really taking back the long black veil that hides most of the world away from the uninitiated. Such as yourself. I got into that work because I was never retired via force after working at the Reagan White House during the 1980s when I never knew Colonel North. You understand? I never worked there. So then I decided after my fifth gin and tonic of the evening after the 1992 election screw job that the hell with it, I’m gonna show the world what they don’t want to be shown. You understand? You feel me, Franz? You got an idea of the responsibility I have to the free world that isn’t locked behind a Communist electric fence?

Herr Franz: Uhm…

Dr. Midnite: Well do you? Have you ever been in a forward position?

Herr Franz: I’ve been in a forward position during most of our school soccer games. Is that what you mean? I have a burning question: What is your relationship with math? Any comment you could make on the subject would be greatly appreciated. There’s a follow up ques—

Dr. Midnite: SOCCER? You’re comparing soccer- what are comparing? What is this? Why are you wearing kabuki makeup and giving off a red aura? Do you know what it’s like when crocodiles mate! It’s reptiles screwing! Think of a universe that we live in when there’s scotch for everyone and there’s not a single glass to share!

My relationship with math is the relationship of a master with a craft little known to your average Westerner. Math is a rational thing inside a universe that is crumbling on the edges from irrationality. The machine is stopped. You get it, Pachinko? The machine is stopped and the math is something that allows us to know every shape and size of its gears, its wheels and its crankshafts. So we can restart up the machine and get the smokestacks smoking.

You want to smoke something, my Mormon friend?

Herr Franz: I’m wearing kabuki make-up because I… I didn’t want to be recognized. The red aura is probably that large sign outside your window that says HOTEL.

Dr. Midnite: That red sign is a symbol of our times. Ho-Tel. Get it? You get it, you’re European. Ho-Tel. Got it. Good. And the Kabuki makeup, I dig it. They can’t see you with it on. You wanna do a line?

Herr Franz: A line? Like from a musical?

Dr. Midnite: You do this, you’ll be meeting the Wizard of Oz. Put it that way. Come on Kabuki Kim let’s get this rolling. What were you yammering about? Math?

Herr Franz: Yes.

Dr. Midnite: You wanna learn about Math? You wanna learn?

Herr Franz: Yes—

Dr. Midnite: Come on!

Herr Franz: As you wish. Let’s start with what your readers already know about you. Maybe you can fill in the gaps, gasps, gapes, or gulps. You like the second amendment. You like The Cult, Dunhills, Steve McQueen, sarcasm, the DARKNET, someone called The Black Knight, kitties, math (sorry I seem to come back to that), and putting words in bold. What am I missing? Who is really outside the Velvet Suite, outside of it all?

Dr. Midnite: You understand what violence is? Do you know what it means? You want gaps, gasps, gapes and gulps and giraffes running through the gorgeous ruin of your mind? I’ll give you violence. Violence against the reality of your mind as your brain is pushed down the stairs and into a dark basement where it finally pulls the string to light up the place that you never had the balls to see in the first place before your gorgeous accident!

You ever been through a revolutionary situation, my foreign friend? The Cult you talk about, the Dunhills, Steve McQueen, DARKNET, all that- it means something, okay? Its means a universe of revolution is coming through. Black Knight is the thing that watches all of us from the sky- its a satellite beaming down images and commands from the great other. Go look it up. Black Knight Satellite.  It’s the harbinger of it all.

You’re all outside the Blue Velvet Suite because you haven’t spent any time behind the computer  and talking to the field mice and listening to the waves crashing against our shore. If you did, you know what all you just mentioned means. I put words in bold because I don’t need to talk about it. You need to look it up. Go take a moment. Get into the surf and see what’s in that bold blue sea.

And what you’re gonna find is the irrational- and the sea monsters, slurping and lurking in the waves. And they’re all ready to hit the beach everywhere.

Herr Franz: Let me make sure I understand you correctly. After reading through your posts and following you in the interwebs, and reading your posts again and yet once more, I can only come to one conclusion. It is a horrifying thought and I never admitted having it until today.  You talk about a lot of things and they don’t seem to make sense at first but when one reads them again and again, it kind of all does make sense suddenly. Dr. Midnite, are we doomed? Are we at the brink of something you are trying to tell us in so many words? Are we? And are you — against all better judgment on my part — the true and only voice of reason?

Dr. Midnite: There was once a shaman named Tsavo, who used to be able to change into an electric snake and sail the thermals of the sky. I met him in Houston. And he opened my eyes to things that my not-experience in the world of the shadows and the Not CIA had never shown me- and I’d seen some things boy, that would make your pretty and very luxuriant hair turn a terrible lightning white.  And he told me, with the coming of the irrationality and the weird, that what makes sense is senseless and what makes no sense is the truth. And I’m speaking the truth, brother. Along with nonsense. You dig?

Oh, and yeah. We’re doomed. It’ll be weird. You probably won’t be okay. I’ll be fine. But remember, you can get through it. If you keep it weird. That’s how you can keep up being a voice of reason and of the true.

Herr Franz: I appreciate the compliment about my hair. It probably comes from my mother’s side as she has very thick, wavy hair. Forgive me, I haven’t commented on the decor in your… house. Very manly and at the same time somewhat retro, in a Victorian kind of way. Except for the empty gin bottles and the gun shells. But let’s get back to the topic. As you are somewhat of an expert in this field, could you tell our readers anything else, maybe as a precaution, should we get generators? Should we stack up on holy water and canned tomatoes? Any last words from you, Dr. Midnite, sir?

Dr. Midnite: Ain’t no precaution when the whirlwind is coming, friendo.  And don’t stock up- just makes you a target for the looters. Unless you got the muscle and the magic to back up your fortress.

One last word- words, whatever. It’s gonna be midnight everywhere soon. Better listen to the good Doctor.

Herr Franz: It was a pleasure talking to you. I would also like to extend… Dr. Midnight? Hello? Where… are you? Doctor?

I can’t find the Doctor. He’s GONE! All I have is two links, written on a handkerchief with his initials, DM, embroidered in a corner: www.apocalypseweird.com and www.doctormidnite.com. If you see a RED button on one of those sites, do NOT push it. You have been warned.

Herr Franz.

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